Sunday, August 21, 2011


This week has been hard on Deb.  She has really needed me to come and I have not been able to.  I have had a lot of lung and heart struggles this week, of course no thanks to our air quality.  I can hear the discouragement in her voice,  I wish she could work her way out of that place.

Yesterday after a conversation with her, I have come to realize how her thinking has changed.  Deb has always been some what of a complicated person but her thinking has become very simple.  One nurse has been telling her she needs to do more for herself, expect less help from others, and according to Deb has been telling her that she is lazy.  Debbie's response was that she is in a care center, which means they are to care for her.  For some reason she has been associating care as being literal in all areas of her life.

I should have recognized this sooner.  I have seen this on a different level.  We were in the ER one night and she wanted to get out of bed and they told her no.  When the nurse walked out of the room she instructed me to help her up.  Well I told her No, she had to do what the nurse said.  She was very upset, she said you are my executor, that means your supposed to help me!  I replied that did not mean giving her what she wanted no matter the consequences.  That I was there to watch out for her.  The tantrums continued so much I had to leave the room, so it makes sense that this attitude would extend to other areas as well.

I don't believe Deb's problem is one of being lazy, but I do think she has given up on life.  The challenges have  become too much for her to cope with.  I don't think this is something that can really be understood by anyone who has not had a lot of physical sufferings.  If the will is not there, the physical ability to fight is not either, it seems to deplete the emotional ability which is a driving force behind surviving and thriving with chronic illness.

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